Dear He Said/She Said:
I have a problem - maybe a very big problem. I’ve been married for 6 years now and we have a young son - the first 2 years were good but then my wife decided she wanted more freedom, not the kind you would expect - sexual freedom. I reluctantly agreed and we set what I thought were strict parameters. She did not hold up her end of the bargain. I admit I enjoyed this at first as well and was surprisingly turned on by the thought of her having sex with other men. We even had a threesome with another man and it was incredible! I won’t go into the details but he was everything I am not and clearly we were both very into him. I don’t want this life anymore and I now feel that she has multiple partners and is living an entire life outside of our marriage. I’m disgusted with her inability to act like a married woman!
Disgusted & Confused
OK, let me get this straight…. Your wife wanted an open marriage and you agreed with it? To make it even better, you started to participate and liked it? But now the thought of it disgusts you?
You, my friend, have some deep seated issues that need to be resolved. No matter what you call your alternative lifestyle, it’s just a plain old open marriage, or swinging. Men and women have been trying it for countless generations and very few are able to live this lifestyle without problems. Those few who do survive swinging truly trust each other, have a deep understanding and communication, and are somehow able to share their mates or their mate’s lovers without jealousy, guilt or recriminations.
But what is it that disgusts you about this lifestyle, the fact that your wife is getting it on with whomever she wants? Or is it the fact that you enjoy it? Or is it that you found your same-sex encounter(s) enjoyable? Dude, no matter what, you opened the door to this and now you think it’s wrong. Tough beans. Frankly, I couldn’t care less who your wife has sex with or who you do either, be it a man or a woman. The fact is, it took two consenting adults to start the train rolling and only the two of you together can un-ring that bell and go back to the way it was.
But really, are you stupid? You can never go back to the good old one man – one woman thing, and honestly, I really don’t think you want to. Somewhere in your subconscious some little bell is going off and saying ‘no, this lifestyle is wrong’. What, too much time in Sunday school?
Face it buddy, get over the stigma. Saddle up, cowboy; you’re in for a long ride. Go and have some fun with whomever you want, obviously she is…
You do have a very big problem, in fact many. I’m unsure where to even begin but since you asked, I will answer. If the last 4 years have ended up where you say they are, then I would start by questioning just how good those first 2 years were. I suspect you may have been kidding yourself. Fact: You are living in an open relationship and, as you should know, they rarely ever work. If you are old enough to get married and have a child, then you should have been old enough and wise enough to think about what saying yes would mean when your wife asked for more “freedom”. Off the top of my head, I would say you are seriously lacking in self-confidence; you were when you made that disastrous decision and you certainly are now. When you agree to something “reluctantly” and start out by setting parameters, there’s a pretty good chance that you are making the wrong choice.
You enjoying your wife having sex with other men and even being “into” one of those men yourself should be an eye-opener for you. You have some sexual issues that are all your own, separate from your wife’s. What the real problem is? - I’ll take a stab at it. You’re a monogamous man, with low self-esteem who didn’t have the balls (and a few other things) to say NO! Ask yourself what you found so hot about Mr. Threesome - I suspect it was more than just physical. Was it his ability to please your wife or his ability to take control of the situation and demand respect? He certainly made an impact on you in the bedroom and once you are honest with yourself about that, you will answer a lot of your own questions. I don’t think you’re paranoid; if you think she’s doing her own thing with men on the side, I’m sure you’re right. Why wouldn’t she, when she has the best of both worlds? What’s the answer here? You probably won’t like it, but that’s life. Your marriage was doomed from the moment you said yes; you lost your wife for good that day. She will never look at you the same and you will never trust her again. Don’t be disgusted with your wife for not being the wife you expected her to be, be disgusted with yourself for not being the man you needed to be. Learn from this very hard life lesson and move on.
Dear He Said/She Said:
My husband’s annual office party is coming up and while some of his co-workers are decent folks, I find myself really dreading doing this for yet another year. He has been with this company for 8 years and it is always the same old, same old. Do I have to actually stick a pen in my eye to get out of this? Am I allowed to just say - “honey, can you please go without me”? He always attends mine but I must say, my co-workers are infinitely more intelligent and by far more entertaining. Not that I want to discriminate against the blue collar types, but ughhhh - not another year of this! Please save me from the moronic boredom.
Anywhere but there
First off, yes, you can always just say to your husband that you really don’t feel like going this year because ‘(insert some BS excuse here)’ or you could just say, ‘Honey, I do like your co-workers but I really don’t enjoy your company parties because, well, nothing about them or the party interests me.’
Either way, you’ll probably hurt his feelings. And, most likely, he’ll say ‘sure, don’t worry, I’ll go without you’, but of course now he’s going to have to come up with a lame-ass excuse as to why you’re not there.
And to make matters worse, he’ll probably be the dutiful husband and escort you to your office party, whether he enjoys them or not. Just because you think you’re so great and your coworkers are better than him or his friends, that doesn’t mean he is having fun when he joins you.
Suck it up, buttercup; it’s really just a few hours out of your life, or you just need to sit down and talk to your husband. Really suggest that, for a change, you each go stag to your own parties because they are such different affairs and a real chance for each of you to let loose in front of you peers without the worry of embarrassing the other.
Tell you what, if that really works then I’ll go to your office party with you if they’re really that much fun.
Wow, you’re a beauty! First of all, you’ve left an awful lot out but I will try to read between the lines. I’m going to bet that your husband is a great guy, loyal husband, and good employee. He sticks with you year after year which can’t be easy and he’s supportive enough to attend you’re stuck up office party every year, and I can bet your Gucci covered ass that he only does it for you! He goes to be supportive and to be by your side, showing everyone that you can keep a man despite your faults. So to answer your question – no, you can’t just ask him to go without you.
As for the “blue collar” comment: this world would grind to a halt without all the hard working trades people that make our lives easier every single day. We all have our faults, some are just more obvious than others – hint, hint - but we have to accept each other for our differences in order to keep life interesting. I think we define moronic boredom differently. Imagine everyone the same, talking about the same stuff, same interests - ughhh is right. Try not to be a prissy b#$%h and you just may have some fun and if you really can’t find any common ground, do what everyone else does at staff parties - smile and drink!